You get to a point in life when you start to ask yourself if all this struggle is worth it. If this whole hustle means something. Or sometimes you fail after putting in so much effort, and then you try to figure out why, and the reasons just seem beyond you. You just can’t comprehend it. Did I not give it my best? Did I not put in enough effort?
I look back and I realize that I have struggled, no, that is an understatement, I have gone through hell and high waters. At times, I tell people just one-tenth of my life’s story and they tell me, “you have endured so much for your age”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not here to tell you stories of a want for something or a lack of material possessions, in fact I do not come from a place where lack of money is something that is quite understood, not because we have so much but because we have just enough and even when we don’t have enough, we know to believe God.
So you might be wondering, what have you gone through if lack of money isn’t one of them? Has any situation ever tested your faith so much so that you start to doubt if God exists. You go to church and everybody looks so happy and filled with the spirit and you are just there wondering what exactly is going on. You can’t even open your mouth to sing because you don’t see any reason why you should be praising God. I see people cry over the littlest things and I think to myself, “what if I give you a piece of what I am going through right now, what would you do” not to underestimate anybody’s pain though, but then isn’t that the way it is for every one of us? We all think nothing can be worse than what we are going through on the inside, because you just can’t fathom what could be worse than your case, but you have to realize that everyone is going through a struggle, which no other person knows about.
I have been in situations where I have almost cursed God, where every night I couldn’t sleep and had to either drink myself to sleep or drug myself to sleep, where sleeping in itself is not looked forward to because the nightmares are of another planet entirely, where I have contemplated taking my own life. Often it starts with a thought “what would people think when they hear about this?” ”what would my parents do?” or “what would society think of me”. You go through hard times and you feel all alone because it seems everyone else is busy. You step out and you can’t face the world because it seems like everyone and everything is against you. Discussions between people around you start and you really can’t contribute, not because of lack of what to say on that topic, but because you are afraid of being called a failure. The very air you breathe starts to suffocate you. People say “have faith” but the very thoughts you think betray you. It is a struggle on the inside, you are holding on but you can feel yourself letting go.
The advice starts to drop in, suddenly everyone has been through worse. You want to be left alone but you don’t want to be rude about it, so you just let them. Alongside the advice, you start hearing the side talks, she didn’t do this or that or he is like this or that and that is the reason why he is this and that. The funny part is that people starting the side talks are people you think have your back.
By and by you emerge stronger or you don’t, but what have you learnt from that situation, that is what is most important. Look for the good and thank God for it. I am grateful for life, so many people don’t get to see the next day. I am grateful because I know I am going to come out unscathed, someone has been in my situation and has lost it, but I have not. The Bible says “it is not of him that runs or of him that wills but of him who shows mercy” and only one person can show mercy, God, so keep calm and believe because God is still saying something. Remember that math assignment you thought would end your life if you failed it back then in high school, look at how it is no more an issue and know that tomorrow, there would be a reason to testify.